Now that I think about it.
I wish people were proud of me. I always wondered how pride would feel like, knowing someone was proud of me for accomplishing something, or just proud to be apart of my life, proud of knowing who I am. I’ve never felt proud of myself, whether I do good in a test. In my eyes everything I do is never good enough.

Sigh. I feel so insecure, maybe if I pull myself out of the picture long enough he might notice. But then again I highly doubt it. I think I’ll just stop interacting until I’m good enough for him to want me, or notice at least. would he notice if I disappeared for a while. Would he ask himself what happened to me. I don’t feel important enough to get that attention from him. I feel like a piece of shit, so stupid.. But I will never let him see how much pain I’m in. I feel like a wreak, not just because of him. I feel as if I need to improve on myself, somehow be amazing cos at the moment I’m just a needle caught in a haystack difficult to stand out for people to notice. Not saying I want attention, I doesn’t matter to me that I have no one, at least to have him notice me. Sad part is how will he notice me, I’m one of a million. My chances are low, I always tell people to never give up on what you love, if it real it’ll find it’s way. I feel the urge to just give up on happiness. Too much hope… Hurts me. Because having too much hope, then that moment you get let down, it hurts.
Kind of like my situation, I over thought it. I kept putting in my head he wants to advoid me, he doesn’t want to talk to me.. I can’t help thinking that’s what’s running through his head everytime I talk to him. My thoughts hurt me so much. It’s like I’m tramatized. I guess only a few people can understand what I mean by that. Today I kept setting my hopes low, knowing he wouldn’t make it. Yet disappointment still slapped me in the face.
For now I’ll just focus on making myslf worth him. Cos to me.. He is amazing, he inspires me to be a better person, to persist, to take risks again, to just be something extraordinary. Until I consider myself worthiey of him, I suppose I’ll be happy.
Problem is I’ll miss him.
Another problem is he’ll never be mine… lol who would fall for this *points at self* And what’s worst having to want somethng you can never have.
I’m not fucking good enough. Not pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, funny enough, happy enough. In general I’m just a pastic bag.

Not smart enough
Not skinny enough
Not pretty enough
Not funny enough
Not strong enough
Not. Good. Enough.